New Year

2010 is almost over, and I am ready for it to end! This year has been...good. Way better than last year! I want this new year to be different, but that means changing things up a bit. Stepping out of my comfort zone and going out on branches where I never thought I would go. Nothing bad mind you, but different. I need to stop letting people use me because I'm nice and don't want to lose a friend even one that has hurt me again and again.
I also know that 2011 is going to be filled with a lot of stress. What with a wedding, a move(maybe two), a two week trip overseas, possibly a few college classes, and who knows what else. I need to stay strong and focused on God which is something that I've sucked at this past year, I know that. Things need to change and that won't happen over night or by itself!

2011...Here I come!!!

~Dana

In the Light.

Those of you that know me, (I hope) know me as a happy person. Most of the time that you see me, I’m in a cheerful mood. The reason for this is because I’ve never been in darkness. I’ve never been at a point in my life where nothing has been going right, I didn’t have anyone around me to support and love me or I’ve felt like nothing left to live for. Whenever my friends have talked about being depressed, I can’t offer advice because I’ve never been there. I’ve always enjoyed life, and couldn’t even begin to imagine wanting to end it. I know that I haven’t had the many major horrible things happen in my life, at least not as much as some people, but even if all of my family deserted me, I would still have God.

Lately I’ve been in a very dry spot spiritually, and it’s been a good few years. And because of that I can feel myself retreating into in myself, especially on Sunday’s and Wednesday nights. I can easily say that I could remain silent throughout the entire service and be ok with that. I feel like I’m getting to the place where I was a few years ago, an introvert, little homeschooler that didn’t want to do anything bold. I want to get into a good Bible reading habit, a healthy prayer life, and to be able to hear God’s voice in any situation. Once of my problems is that I don’t know how to get to that place. I need a spiritual leadership in my life. Of course from my husband whenever I get married, but right now I need a female that I can look to for guidance and direction for things in my life that I’m going through as a woman of God.

All that to say, even though I’m a joyful person that’s never experienced darkness, I’m starting to feel a shadow come over my life, and I don’t like it! So if you could be praying for me I’d really appreciated it!

~Dana

5/24/10 Move-In Day

So, this was a really long day!  Dad and I got everything, well pretty much everything moved!  The big stuff was my main concern, because my tiny car wouldn’t be able to fit my bookshelf, mattress, dresser or dining room table lol.

I am so glad to have my own place! But unfortunately this brings about a very big fear of mine, The Lack of Money. I know that this is something that most people struggle with but it seems like I can’t get around it. So this is going to be hard for me to get used to having a budget. I can’t just do and buy whatever I want because I have the money for.  Even though bills have always come first, this time it’s pretty much going the be everything that I have ever time.

To change this new problem of not having money, I have become the depressing cycle of trying to find a second job. I love working at Bed, Bath, & Beyond don’t get me wrong, but they won’t hire my full time even though I’ve been working there 2 years. This leaves me in a very hard place because I have chosen to give BB&B my weekends, leaving Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday open for another job. This is the problem, No one wants to hire someone that isn’t willing to work weekends! BLEH!!

I applied at Wal Mart in Betonville, and I thought that I was going to get the job, because I know people that are managers at that store. Unfortunately they didn’t like my schedule.  I guess it doesn’t matter if someone has worked retail for two years, all anyone cares about is weekends. So I have given up on WM and have applied at the Harps that’s right across that street from my new apartment.

I  do realize that I ended up talking about jobs then my new place, but I’ll have enough time to talk about the apartment lol. Hopefully soon we’ll be getting the internet here, because I will go crazy with out it. I can survive not having my computer for a month, but I can’t go a few days without internet!

This is just one thing(Well I guess two) that’s on my mind. More shall come soon, maybe sooner because I don’t have things like Facebook and YouTube to distract me :)

~Dana

Outbursts

I would just like to apologize for my last blog. Going back now with a completely cool head, makes me realize how incredible rude I was! I seem to not have mastered the art of ranting with out hurting people. Words have never been my strong point!

Once again, I'm Sorry!

One a lighter note...I will be blogging soon, but not too soon as moving will be taking up most of my time. Going from living on campus for the past 3 years of my life to an apartment is getting to be a bigger ordeal than I had originally thought lol

~Dana

It's been a little longer than I intended.

What has been going on with me these past few months? Well, more than I think I really wanted to happen.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going forward with certain things in my life, but then something happens that shows me that, oh nope...you haven't even made a step back. In fact, you've started going backwards. Nooo!
It almost seems like I'm in the same spot as last year, almost. It's different, but not by much.
It would be nice if there was some sort of personalized map for my life, that I could at least see what's coming up in my life, and what the best course of action will be for that next step.

Life isn't always the roller coaster that we think that is. Many times it's as smooth as a boat on a lake. Then there are those times whenever it starts to storm, then you're up a creek without a paddle. lol ok I'll stop with the water analogies. But seriously, Things were going well I thought. Yea it go bumpy there for a little bit, but it had gotten better and there were no major catastrophes. Once again, something is thrown into the works that mess things up. Even after this same thing had happened not a month previously, and talks had been made to establish the fact that nothing could arise from it, and that both parties were in the wrong. Great, Ok, That works! I was (semi) fine with the terms of the relationship. But then something happened that threw me off like nothing else.

Now most of the time I don't act to irrational with major decisions that need to be made. I like to keep my head and my heart in unison with things that I'm going through. Unfortunately, I have no idea what to do about my current predicament! Mainly because with this time, I had nothing to do with it. Ok, maybe some, but I wasn't the one that initialized it. And this is really hard for me, because I know what I want, and I'm pretty sure that it's not a secret to the other person. But to have this happen after things had already been established as to our relationship and the lack of a romantic one. Once again, Totally confused!! Logic does Not work with relationships!! You can't break down something that complicated into an equation. It's one of the many risks that you take in life. I think that it would almost be better to actually be in a relationship, then having to reset everything every time things get thrown off.

That's just my thoughts on the current subject that I was very vague on, but I think that you get the point!
~Dana

P.S.
Ok, so after some thought, I now see that I was overreacting. I'm not going to worry about it. Yes we still need to talk about what happened, but I don't want this to take over my life.

Realization

So this past week and a half, I've been given a lot to think about. Some good, some not so hot. 

One things that I've realized is that I cannot not be in control of at least one thing in my life. I like to know how things are going to turn out, or what is going to happen next and how I'll deal with it. It's not an issue of submission, really to any person or persons, but it's that I like to be in control of my personal life. What I do and how I do things whenever I want to. I've become so independent that I can't give everything up to God, and stinkin' trust in Him that everything will turn out better than if I had done it myself. But for some reason I can't let go, even though I know that the result would be so much better if I just gave up my control up to Him. Why is it so hard for me?

Even when I'm pretty sure that I heard Jesus say, Just wait a few days and the reward I'll give you will be great, Please wait. I can't seem to let go of that control completely! I've done done what He asked, but I know that I haven't had the right attitude about it. I know that I should have been taking those few days and focussed fully on God and His desires for my life, but I didn't. To fully give control, a control of my life that I really don't have at all, and rely on God and His absolutely perfect will for my life. 

It's not going to be easy, oh how I know that, but I can't grow if I don't. 

-Dana

Back Track

So, I don't think that I have yet learn what God is trying to teach me. Maybe I am, but I keep straying off of that path and He has to keep on pulling be back to it with something nasty that I really just did not want to experience. Honestly I am tried of waiting, but I know that I really don't have any other option. At least not one that end with me getting that happy ending that God wants for me. Somethings in life you have to realize that there are reasons why they don't happen the way that you thought that they would. Which totally sucks!!!! I Know that I can be patient and what for the reward that God has for me, but I don't want to.
I have to realize that I am not in control of my life, like I want to be. Which is so hard for my, but I'm starting to learn how to give things up to God.

New Semester

First I'd like to say that 2009 was an amazing year for me! I went through so much stuff from getting put way out of my comfort zone, graduating from college, to having my heart broken a little,  to my sister getting married suddenly, to taking on new responsibilities. Even trying to remember who I was this time last year is hard, because I've grown so much! Even though I definitely not been faithful to God, by reading my bible and spending time just talking to him, I know that he's been there for me, helping me become who I am today.

I have so many hopes, dreams, and desires, that I almost letting them control my life. It was almost getting to a point where I was putting them above God, even though I wasn't thinking about it. Well Wednesday at church we did this silence thing where we just stopped worship, and were silent listening to God and what he had to say to us. I've never really heard anything from God, or not that I know of, and you can't hear a still small voice if you have a rock band playing in your head. So I just emptied everything out, all of the thoughts that I had that day, what I had to do tomorrow, even the stuff that I had shoved in the back of my mind that I didn't want to think about. I knew that I had to empty more out, there was still had so much stuff in my head and heart that was clogging up my pores to soak in what God had to tell me. I imagined taking a huge glass jar and sticking all of my hopes(Getting Married and Having Kids), dreams(Living a comfortable life), desires, fantasies, little wishes, and broken hearts into that jar, and give it up to God. It seemed pretty easy, and then I felt like God said, Dana, The jar is still at your feet. You didn't give it up to me. Just let go. Having that jar still be at my feet, killed me. Realizing that I wasn't willing to trust God with everything that I had put above him. Giving up that jar for real the second time hurt, because I really did give to God. During this time, the band had started to play again. It was a new song, and whenever I had actually given everything that I had in my heart to God, theses lyrics were what was playing. "Then Seek the Lord, and Wait for what He has in store and know that Great is your Reward and Just be Hopeful." I had been hearing that for probably my entire life, but I don't think that it actually sank in till last night. Seek Him, God! Why is it so hard for my to get that. It almost seemed kinda like a bribe from God, saying that, Hey if you seek after me, then the things that you've been wanting your entire life, I'll give you. Just seek me first. I guess it's a lot easier now that I gave up my idols to God, and I don't have anything else to focus on.

I know that this year, 2010, will be one of the best years of my life. I know that I'm going to draw so near to God, and because of that, the reward that I am going to receive is going to be like anything that I can imagine. I almost wish that I could have a sneak peek at it, but then that would ruin the surprise! I hope that this semester and year will be amazing for all of you, and remember to seek God in all that you do!
~Dana