Realization

So this past week and a half, I've been given a lot to think about. Some good, some not so hot. 

One things that I've realized is that I cannot not be in control of at least one thing in my life. I like to know how things are going to turn out, or what is going to happen next and how I'll deal with it. It's not an issue of submission, really to any person or persons, but it's that I like to be in control of my personal life. What I do and how I do things whenever I want to. I've become so independent that I can't give everything up to God, and stinkin' trust in Him that everything will turn out better than if I had done it myself. But for some reason I can't let go, even though I know that the result would be so much better if I just gave up my control up to Him. Why is it so hard for me?

Even when I'm pretty sure that I heard Jesus say, Just wait a few days and the reward I'll give you will be great, Please wait. I can't seem to let go of that control completely! I've done done what He asked, but I know that I haven't had the right attitude about it. I know that I should have been taking those few days and focussed fully on God and His desires for my life, but I didn't. To fully give control, a control of my life that I really don't have at all, and rely on God and His absolutely perfect will for my life. 

It's not going to be easy, oh how I know that, but I can't grow if I don't. 

-Dana

Back Track

So, I don't think that I have yet learn what God is trying to teach me. Maybe I am, but I keep straying off of that path and He has to keep on pulling be back to it with something nasty that I really just did not want to experience. Honestly I am tried of waiting, but I know that I really don't have any other option. At least not one that end with me getting that happy ending that God wants for me. Somethings in life you have to realize that there are reasons why they don't happen the way that you thought that they would. Which totally sucks!!!! I Know that I can be patient and what for the reward that God has for me, but I don't want to.
I have to realize that I am not in control of my life, like I want to be. Which is so hard for my, but I'm starting to learn how to give things up to God.

New Semester

First I'd like to say that 2009 was an amazing year for me! I went through so much stuff from getting put way out of my comfort zone, graduating from college, to having my heart broken a little,  to my sister getting married suddenly, to taking on new responsibilities. Even trying to remember who I was this time last year is hard, because I've grown so much! Even though I definitely not been faithful to God, by reading my bible and spending time just talking to him, I know that he's been there for me, helping me become who I am today.

I have so many hopes, dreams, and desires, that I almost letting them control my life. It was almost getting to a point where I was putting them above God, even though I wasn't thinking about it. Well Wednesday at church we did this silence thing where we just stopped worship, and were silent listening to God and what he had to say to us. I've never really heard anything from God, or not that I know of, and you can't hear a still small voice if you have a rock band playing in your head. So I just emptied everything out, all of the thoughts that I had that day, what I had to do tomorrow, even the stuff that I had shoved in the back of my mind that I didn't want to think about. I knew that I had to empty more out, there was still had so much stuff in my head and heart that was clogging up my pores to soak in what God had to tell me. I imagined taking a huge glass jar and sticking all of my hopes(Getting Married and Having Kids), dreams(Living a comfortable life), desires, fantasies, little wishes, and broken hearts into that jar, and give it up to God. It seemed pretty easy, and then I felt like God said, Dana, The jar is still at your feet. You didn't give it up to me. Just let go. Having that jar still be at my feet, killed me. Realizing that I wasn't willing to trust God with everything that I had put above him. Giving up that jar for real the second time hurt, because I really did give to God. During this time, the band had started to play again. It was a new song, and whenever I had actually given everything that I had in my heart to God, theses lyrics were what was playing. "Then Seek the Lord, and Wait for what He has in store and know that Great is your Reward and Just be Hopeful." I had been hearing that for probably my entire life, but I don't think that it actually sank in till last night. Seek Him, God! Why is it so hard for my to get that. It almost seemed kinda like a bribe from God, saying that, Hey if you seek after me, then the things that you've been wanting your entire life, I'll give you. Just seek me first. I guess it's a lot easier now that I gave up my idols to God, and I don't have anything else to focus on.

I know that this year, 2010, will be one of the best years of my life. I know that I'm going to draw so near to God, and because of that, the reward that I am going to receive is going to be like anything that I can imagine. I almost wish that I could have a sneak peek at it, but then that would ruin the surprise! I hope that this semester and year will be amazing for all of you, and remember to seek God in all that you do!
~Dana